(Warm greetings omitted by sender)
"You know....I used to look at your e-mails and think...wow...these prices are a bit high...must be because of the Australian dollar...but now with the AD on par with the US dollar, I have just put you squarely into the column of Rolex reseller criminals...Selling a used Rolex GMT Master II that cost $2500 new for $8k just has to be criminal... especially when it can be had for between $3-5K almost anywhere else...I guess the Australians aren't as bright as I thought... Please remove me from your distribution list, the entertainment value of your prices and hyping of common watches has weened...
(Spellchecked by recipient)
I have forwarded your email to my book keeper Wendy. Man, she needs to get a life!
Wendy is such a pain in a bum - last year I lost a receipt for $4.50 (noodle bar in Cabramatta) and she simply can't get over it. I now spend most of my Mondays typing from a closet, sharing a cubicle with shady Cyprian solicitor. "Niiickyyy, you still owe me that receipt mate" yells Wendy every Monday under the door.
And look at you Jessie - so causal with figures, so relaxed with numbers, so easy going with facts! Not a pinch of guilt. Rounding prices to three zeros makes Harvey Norman's $9.99 look like a bad joke. What a talent Jessie! What style!
But Jessie, as much as I would love to, I have no time to dwell over your gift, nor have I time to unsubscribe you - so I'll go straight with what I believe is equally magical stroke of genius: I am willing to extend my hand of friendship and business partnership over the Pacific, from a colonial city of Sydney to financial metropolis of Maurepas Swamp, Louisiana.
You and me Jessie, will be the Bonnie and Clyde of pre-owned Rolex market!
Here is what we are going to do (and I am spelling this out in detail just for the sake of slow Aussie subscribers who are not good with maths, or hyper excited with numbers, like my book keeper Wendy):
I am going to order a truck load of GMT Master II from your supplier in Maurepas Swamp, LA. The cheap examples in so-and-so condition will do us just fine (remember- we are selling them to dumb Aussies!) When placing the order, please remind your guys that a GMT II only cost $750 in 1981. Taking in account the overall condition, recession in USA and sizable volume of our initial order,we can expect further 30% volume discount. What a heck – let’s ask for 50%. After rounding the figures, that would be exactly $250 a piece.
I guarantee you - and let me repeat this one more time - I GUARANTEE YOU JESSIE- we are going sell that darn load of GMT Masters in no time for a $3999 a pop. I swear I'll make that $3,974.71 just to see the sweet tears of joy rolling down Wendy's plump cheeks.
Would the 40-60 split work for you Jessie? With all due respect, I am the one who has the newsletter and needs to deal with bloody subscribers!
If you think this is no way possible - then please rest assured it's DONE DEAL because I've just got thumb up and a nod of approval from Dimitrios the solicitor (who himself is doing a killing importing potatoes, Pateks and pre-loved Porsches from Nigeria).
Awaiting your prompt reply,
PS Please pass my kindest regards to Troy Landry and Landry boys. Man, they are so HOT here!
Watercolour by TanyaH